i made my bestie a tumblr and am now forcing her to learn how to use it. if you like nerd things, go stare at her blog. »
so. i kind of need this. like. now.
Sangiovese and bacon. Approved!
^that was literally my exact thought. Sangiovese is my jam.
People are starting to ask the question. You know the one. They’d stopped asking a similar question for a while, warded off by the roundness of your belly or the infant in your arms. But now that your baby is
toddling walking running around, falling on their faces and making a mess of everything, the question comes again, in a slightly different form:
WHEN ARE YOU HAVING ANOTHER BABY?
This seems like madness to me, but according to other moms with a kid around one or two years old, it’s apparently not that crazy of a question. One of my friends is already pregnant with her second, a girl (her son is just 2 months older than Auggie) and many others are already talking about trying again.
While this seems insane to me now, before I had Auggie I’d always thought I’d want two kids. The idea of the two of them - wrestling and laughing and tumbling and getting into mischief – it just always sounded so ideal. But as with so many other hazy fantasies, the way you thought things would be, the way you thought you would be, well, they just aren’t.
Don’t get me wrong – I love being a mom. I am an awesome mom. Auggie is the most amazing thing ever. I don’t have any problem saying that. He is happy and smart (sometimes a little too smart, cheeky devil) and for the most part, he’s very well-behaved. He’s been so easy, especially in comparison to other babies I know.
But still. Goddamn. I am tired. And not in that blissful, sleepy way I was when he was first born, just a quiet little elf laying in my arms, stirring to eat and coo and smile. No. I am SO FUCKING TIRED. BONE-DEEP TIRED.
Between Auggie, Matthew, friends, work, Fault Lines and the eight million other various things that pop up in our lives, I honestly have no idea how we’d fit another human being into our lives. And I don’t think that I want to. I can’t imagine making any time for Matthew and I if we had a second baby. As it is now, our alone time mostly consists of watching Walking Dead after Auggie goes to bed (during which Matthew inevitably falls asleep), laying next to each other just staring exhaustedly at one another or going out to dinner on a rare occasion and then talking ceaselessly about Auggie. I love my husband and I want to see him as much as possible - I want to be friends and lovers and talkers. I watched my parents grow further and further apart during my childhood and I don’t want that for us.
So yes. The reasons I don’t want to have another baby are ‘selfish’. Pregnancy made a mess of me. My back will never be the same – I still can’t sleep on my stomach or my back without feeling like my spine might break in half (thanks sciatica) and I can’t imagine adding to the pain. I’m just getting back to my pre-pregnancy weight and am nearly to my goal weight for general life – I really don’t want to throw all of that work away just to have to put it all in again. My body is wrecked. Stretch marks, loose skin, a mushy belly that will take so much work to make flat again (if that’s even possible at this point). My self-esteem isn’t as strong as it once was, especially when it comes to my physical self, and that pisses me off.
I also want to be able really start putting in time for the band again – doing promo, going to shows, getting our momentum going again. We’re going on tour in Europe this September and Auggie is coming with us. If we had two kids, that wouldn’t even be an option. In fact, touring at all would most likely be out of the question.
For the most part, I only feel bad for just wanting one child because Matthew has always expressed a want for a gaggle of children. He grew up with two brothers and a sister, all of whom ran in a pack of about 15 kids spread between 3 families. When I met him, I wasn’t interested in having children at all, ever. That slowly changed and I’m so glad we decided to have Auguste – he is one of the brightest lights in my life. But in thinking about it now, I just can’t see wanting another. Explaining that to Matthew has been difficult – he always looks a little sad or says we’ll think about it more later. I’m hoping that in time, he’ll reconcile with the fact that Auggie is probably going to be our only kid. He’s a pretty laid back guy and he respects my wants and needs, so I know it will be okay. Just the other day, he was saying that if we didn’t have more kids, we could sell the house, buy a badass flat and never have to do yard work again. So maybe he’s already started to come around.
I talked to my best friend about this today and she gave me some great perspective. If I went ahead and had another kid, just for Matthew (and my parents – I think they’d like me to have as many kids as possible so they could spoil the shit out of them), it would make me miserable. And that would make me a bad mom, wife, daughter, friend. It would shrink my world down so much – we wouldn’t have time for the band, for travelling, for doing any of the things that make me ME. I’m just getting back to being close to some semblance of the me I used to be (minus the amazing kid, of course) and I really don’t want to go back to what I was a year ago. Which was totally and completely only a mother.
Don’t get me wrong - there’s no shame in wanting to be a mother – like, you know – a real mom’s mom. In fact, I think it’s totally awesome. I know tons of moms that are fulfilling their life’s dream by being a mom to multiple kids. But I also know moms who are unhappy with their role. And I think that maybe they were ladies like me. Ladies that weren’t sure they wanted more kids (or kids at all) but that bowed to the pressure (of society, partners, family members) and now realize that it isn’t the way the want their lives to be.
I guess this is just me talking out my feelings. And putting it out there that it’s okay to just want one kid. That it’s not selfish. That it’s knowing what is best for me and my well-being, which is in turn what is best for my son, my husband, my family, my friends. And that’s what matters most.11
do people wear glasses during sex or is it just like you’re blind and everthing’s a surprise
somebody took a tumble off the front stoop today.5